Thursday, January 06, 2005

I originally intended upon typing up about my Angel dream(s) I had last night. But now I don't feel I want to. It was very lovely, and made me feel all nice inside. It also had me longing to do something for God - especially to help people for Him. I just really want to help people. If I don't make it in acting... I just really want to spend my life helping people and being friends with people. That's all I ever really want to do. And if that's not a paying job, well who cares. I think my likely-to-be future husband will make more than enough money to support us and our kids. ('cause I'm going to have kids... just not many, and not anytime soon).

I've noticed, after reading through my friend's journals, and some random peoples' too, that I just really like to know how people think, and what they think. People interest me. Alex and most of our mutual friends agree: that I don't think like most people. I define it as "thinking backwards"... I sort of start with the end product, and then have to find some sort of winding way back to the start. I used to cheat on mazes that way when I was a kid - perhaps it has something to do with the way I've developped. Anyways, this 'blog is for more than dreams, it is for my theories and weird thoughts as well. And all this thinking about how a person thinks definately qualifies as the latter. My live journal is more for just "what happened" as opposed to how I'm thinking and why.

So... If I think backwards, it takes me a long time to explain things to someone... And quite often, we were actually on the same page, but coming at it from TOTALLY different angles. Also my brain has a tendancy of jumping around and skipping ahead. I don't always make a straight path to the finish (or should I say start?) line.

Alex seems to think that I think "artisticly" but at the same time declares I don't think like anybody else. But if I think artisticly, wouldn't I be thinking like all the other artists out there? So doesn't this make some sort of oxymoron or paradox or something else of the kind? Often he describes that things I say are totally "left field"... a reference to a baseball diamond. Well, I say, its more like my thoughts are from three and a half blocks east of left field, and then you have to take the spiraling subway down into the center of the ocean which is where the portal to another dimension is. And there, in that other dimension, is where my thoughts originated from. They only appeared to be from left field, because of the peoples' perspectives in the stands when they saw my thought come flying out of the subway tunnel three and a half blocks east from left field.

Speaking of other dimensions, I think it is likely that I think "artisticly" because I was raised by two artists, and more likely that I think so oddly and backwards from everyone, because of all the science-fiction that I've grown up on. Especially things like "Sliders" - a show about sliding from one dimension to another, "where it's the same year, and you're the same person, but everything else is different." Of course, many of the dimensions were only slightly different, but still, it was an amazingly good show, my favourite television series to date. Or perhaps I just think the way I do just because that's how God made me.

And will I ever completely and truly understand how other people think, even just one other person, if I think so totally opposite and backwards from everything else? Does this make it harder for me to act effectively, but at the same time is why I feel it's so easy to act?

Does anybody reading this understand what I'm trying to say, or does anybody even read this at all?

I've always wondered... what it would be like to be somebody else and think like somebody else... What my friends were thinking on the playground at school, and that I'd never really know, because they will always be themselves and you will always be you, so even if you did switch bodies or switch places, you'd still be thinking like yourself and not that other person, and that other person in your body or your place would still be thinking like themselves so then therefore have you accomplished anything at all? I believe that if people could switch places, you could DEFINATELY have a better understanding of one another, but I do not think that you would truly know how they think. And if I had such deep thoughts as these as a seven-year-old, then how come I still think of myself as childish and stupid, and some of my friends accuse me of acting dumber than I actually am (which I sometimes do, but I don't believe it's on purpose). Why do they say things like "I know you're smarter than that." Well.. I know I am too... But smarter in what way? Yes I may have incredibly deep thoughts from time to time, and I went to an Academy for gradeschool, and I can read and write really well, and I know basic HTML... but does any of that actually make me SMART?

It's like that time Ben drove me to the Art Gallery one morning for a sort of interview involving "The Wiz"... While we were sitting there waiting for the woman I was supposed to meet, I looked out the window at the Detroit River and said "What if the water's not moving, but the land is moving instead? And all the waves we are seeing are created by the force of the land moving around the Earth as all the water stays in one place?" This idea blew Ben's mind! Meanwhile, I had forgotten that the plans had changed from me meeting the woman in the room to meeting her at the main enterance of the Art Gallery, since I didn't know where the room was. Of course, this puts me at being absent-minded, along the same lines of the professor who created flubber in the old Walt Disney classic.

So am I really smart? Or am I really stupid? Do I actually have, or lack, common sense? I know I've always seemed to be really smart when it comes to relationships with other people. I think I still am. What's worth more? Lots of book smarts or lots of common sense? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

It seems to me that because of all this thinking that I do and that I like to do, I would like taking a philosophy class. But if the class is learning old theories as opposed to just philosophising and making up new ones... do I really want to do that? Ben seems to think I'd do terrible in a philosophy class, since I think that used to be one of his majors (he's switched it so many times!). I remember watching Boy Meets World as a kid, and there was one episode in which Shawn was skipping his highschool class to attend a University philosophy class, and he fit right in. One of the things brought up was "does the chair really exist at all"... Now that's an interesting concept. Why not just debate about the chair instead of going into all the long and drawn-out history about the guy who came up with the argument in the first place. Perhaps it will help us understand where the guy was coming from, and perhaps not. Perhaps it will be interesting, and perhaps not. I wonder if any of these old philosophers came from any sort of place that I do... If Socrates and Plato's thoughts came from three and a half blocks east of left field, down a spiraling subway tunnel to the bottom of the ocean and through a portal into another dimension. I really enjoyed Plato's plays about Socrates that we read in my Greek Civilizations class. They were very interesting, and right up my alley. So if they were right up my alley... Does that mean Plato and I come from the same alternate dimension, or am I reading too much into this, as I usually read too much into everything?

I know it's generalized that women "think too much"... and I know that I think too much. But if both statements are true (which I believe them to be) then do I think too much as any normal woman thinks, because I too am a woman, or do I think too much even for a woman, meaning that I think way, way, WAAAY too much?

Does anybody get what I'm saying here?

Is anybody else even interested in all this thought about... well... thought?

I want a break, and yet, I want to find new and exciting ways to stimulate my mind. I miss reading. I think I mostly just want a break from all the conundrum, and the un-challenging classes at my University. I think that I don't try, because I know I don't have to. I'm sure that if I did try, I could be doing so much better, and would have never gotten any D's, besides perhaps the one in my Lighting class. Even so, if I would have gone to my professor for help, he would have given it to me, and then I could have perhaps had a C at least instead. It was the same for me in highschool. If it's not interesting to me, and/or if it's not a challenge, then my heart's not in it and I won't give any effort.

My New Year's Resolution is to better myself by doing my work as soon as I'm able to, instead of procrastinating - especially with long-term projects. I hope also to expand my mind by reading more - more fiction, more of my textbooks, and more of my Bible. And hopefully, hopefully this will make me achieve higher grades, and keep my attention on the tasks longer.

If I'm thinking too much, I should put all the extra thoughts to good use, right?

Oh... And I need to write more. More of Firewalkers, more stories, more poems, and more weird theories and such like this. I need more creative outlets. I have to draw more, also.

And I want to not scare Alex with all my over-analysing and over-thinking of absolutely everything involving us. I don't want to be the crazy, needy girlfriend... but I discovered this week after he had moved, that I am. It's what I was trying not to be, and it annoyed him a bit... and it annoyed me too. And if I don't fix myself, it's what I am. But Alex, there's nothing you can do now. I've gotten super-glued-attached to you, and I'm dependent on you now. But yes, I can make my own tea.


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