Words

(A kind of shitty apology)

Words.

They communicate. They comfort. They stare at you. They cut you deep. They can even haunt you.

They cannot be taken back.

Once I saw a demonstration of this, as an adolescent; hurtful words were like the whipped cream coming out of a spray can. They come out easily, but they can't go back in. You can clean up the mess, you can apologize, but they can never go back in the can, no matter how hard you try.

I have said some things recently, that I regret. Some which I regret deeply. Other things, which I'd like to stand by, have hurt people - for that I am sorry, but unfortunately that doesn't mean I meant them any less. I could have worded my thoughts better, however.

And I have heard things.

Certain words, meant out of love (or so I tell myself, to make them hurt less), have cut me deep, scoring even the very bones of my soul.

"You come off as uncaring."
"When you interrupt people, it's like you're saying that their opinion doesn't matter."

Is this really how the world sees me?

Especially when I try my very best to be just the opposite? And I do the things that triggered the above phrases out of love, interest, and excitement? Because I really do care. A lot.

If anything, I feel as though I care too much at times. So much that I worry. So much for others, that I don't care enough for myself (if at all).

Some people, watching the same show as me, have deemed the main character as an asshole. But I didn't see him that way; instead I saw him as withdrawn, depressed, and shy. He was a unique individual, who simply wasn't the best at communicating with others. Did that make him an asshole? Certainly not in my eyes. But to those others? Apparently so. Did I identify with this main character because I too am an asshole, then, by these same standards? Is that what others, whom I care about, see me as?

If so, have I always been this person? Or (as I am more inclined to believe) have I more recently turned into this asshole-like person? What shifted my perception? What changed me into this? And more importantly, how do I change back?

I used to be surrounded by friends and family, a closely knit network of relationships and support. Then I moved away from nearly all of them. And I feel alone. All. The. Time.

In areas where I would expect to have support, instead of feeling the support (which may or may not be there) I feel a vast distance, sometimes resistence, and even animosity at times.

What have I become?

When I need support the most, I find myself grasping at empty air. When a friend whom I previously asked to come out and tell me if I'm bothering him, and how to potentially fix it does so, instead of seeing it for the caring that it is in the moment, I feel as though he's patronizing me.

You can change yourself, obviously. Because it seems as though I have for the worse, unintentionally.

While I feel as though some things may as well be just a personality clash (and they could be), he insists that that is just an excuse. Maybe it is. Or maybe it's the truth. Maybe it's a little bit of both, depending on which aspect of myself it's in reference to.

I wish to try. I've done nothing but aim to be a better person for nearly all of my life. Can't the effort itself be enough? Can't others see that I'm trying, and appreciate that on it's own merits?

And when I attempt this myself... I shouldn't be the only one. It may be deflecting, yes. However, one cannot simply place the blame solely on a single person when a misunderstanding between two parties arises. Do I accept the blame? Wholeheartedly. Do I feel one-hundred-percent responsible? I cannot in honesty say yes. It does not make me any less responsible, asking others to share in my blame. Especially when they did not have all the facts before the incident that led to the misunderstanding. They didn't have the history, the reasons. Because I had left much of that out.

For some reason, I feel as though I am always defending myself, or my ideas. As though my ideas are never worthy.

My whole life I've had people telling me I'm wrong. Or I can't do this or that because it simply doesn't work. It's impossible. It's pie-in-the-sky.

So I never do feel good enough.

So when I finally have an idea I feel is good enough, maybe, just maybe... I hold fast to it, and defend it to the last.

And so I reacted too strongly. I over-reacted, and became over-emotional. Simple criticisms, meant to help (and others to question, as I had many holes evident in my logic, due to leaving most everything in shorthand, and some for being untested), I instead saw as an attack.

So I fought back.

Perhaps too hard.

I used to be good at this; socializing, reading people's emotions in a group, making friends, showing people I really cared.

What happened?

I used to feel intelligent, witty, funny, and most importantly, loved. Now I feel all kinds of doubts; I feel stupid, forgetful, un-interesting, and worry that others hate me.

How did I turn this around in the first place? How do I turn things back around?

When will this cycle of hurting end?

I am so very sorry to those whom I've hurt recently, or even only annoyed. At times, I don't even understand what I'm doing wrong. Because I'm doing everything I'm doing with the best of intentions.

Though, they say, "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions"... but those are just more words, right?

... Just words...?