Sunday, October 09, 2005


How do you become truly okay with yourself?
How do you learn to LOVE yourself?
How do you stop being over-critical of yourself?
How do you learn or condition yourself to NOT worry?
How can you RELEASE all these fears, these emotions?
How can one TRULY be at peace with one's self?
How can someone relax? I mean, REALLY RELAX!??

The above questions I wrote to myself on Wednesday October 5th. How is it that you relax? How do you learn to relax? What's the best way to relax? How do you juggle relaxation, emotion, and responsibility? How do you find the time to be yourself?

I wrote those questions after seeing my "audition" in my TV Performance class. It was awful. I was still looking up "somewhere" and my emotions seemed flat. I was worrying about looking good for the camera, and so I held myself back. I was worrying about worrying. I worry way too much. I worry about everything these days. My mom's health, my sister, my future career.

I don't want to wind up careering on McDonald's.

I was barely holding it together on Wednesday. And then yesterday, when my mom had trouble washing the top of the stove... I broke down. All those emotions spurt forth. I was sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. I called off work due to personal reasons. I had to spend a half an hour calming myself down before I could even make the call - and even then, I sobbed through it a bit. After I hung up, the floodgates reopened, and I had a fresh other hour and a half or more of sobbing. I don't know how long it was. But all the time, I was sick with worry. I don't want my mom to die in the surgery! I don't want her to wind up crippled in a wheelchair, or worse, as a vegetable! I don't want to be stuck living in my house forever, with my parents. I don't want to be stuck voice acting (I mean, I wouldn't mind, but I want the options) because I just REALLY SUCK at acting on camera! Or because I just look hideous on screen. I don't want to have my spirit crushed from working at McDonald's for the rest of my life, or even the rest of University. I need to be free - I want to explore the world. I want to get out of my house, have my own apartment, spend at least 6 months being truly independent. I want to have time to do my homework. Time to work on ARTWORK and my webcomic - my other passions. I want to get professional headshots and start looking for an agent and then acting work. I want to work at a television station and start my career on the OTHER side of the camera, not make fries for a living. I want a lot of things, and I feel despair, because I feel like I'll never have any of them, and I'll never be capable of having, getting, or achieving them!

The only thing I've got going for me right now is a steady boyfriend - my love. I have a lot of good friends in my life, too. So, as far as relationships go, I'm great. But even so, I rarely get to see any of them, especially the ones who've moved away. It saddens me when I have to work every day of the week, and for only 3 measly hours - but just the 3 hours in the middle, so you can't make plans that day. It sickens me when I realize I haven't seen someone in weeks, in months, in almost a year. People who are supposed to be my closest friends. What kind of friend does that make me? What kind of person does that make me?

I need more hours to pay for school, but I also need more time off to complete my schoolwork... never mind a social life! Never mind time to myself to chill out! It's a ridiculous vicious cycle. What I really wish I could do, was to have a steady schedule. Every week, I'd work the same 2 or 3 shifts. 2 8-hours, and 1 4-hour shift. Voila! 20 hours a week. Plenty of space for homework and a life. With so many things in this world that I want to do, see, explore... I need 50 hours in the day! And 10 days in a week. And more sleep, too. I've been skimping on sleep as well, and that may have also played a part in my breakdown.

But honestly, I'm falling apart. Emotionally, at least. And possibly mentally too. Physically, I'm doing alright, but COLD season is upon us, and I'm already getting my first one. Pretty soon, I'll be sick until mid-April.

I just need some Yoga or Kung-Fu or something to relax and get my frustrations out. And a day a week to just watch TV, draw, or relax reading a book (FOR FUN.. not a text!). Why is that so hard to get?

Why do I feel like I'm having my mid-life crisis before I turn 21? (I turn 21 tomorrow).

I need a BREAK. I need a vacation! I asked for a weekend off... I hope I can get it. Next summer, I'm not staying home. I'm going on my family vacation, no matter where it is or how boring it will be. I just need some time away!

I really want to quit my job, too. I think next semester I'll just make myself even LESS available. Then of course, ask for full time days in the summer (or maybe full time midnights) again. 4 months of that. XD Or maybe I won't have to... and I'll get to work at a SLEEP AWAY camp as a counsellor for the summer. I'd really love to do that. ^^ I've never gone to a sleep-away summer camp. It would be so much fun.

I just want my life to be better, and exciting. And with ample time to do nothing, to relax from the excitement. Is that too much to ask? Can't I have some things handed to me? Must I really do EVERYTHING myself? Like pay my way through school and trying to study full time as well?!


I feel so tired.

And now I must continue cleaning pots, then the rest of the kitchen and living room for the festivities tomorrow. And it's already this late.


I want a vacation! *cries*

I really need it! For my mental and emotional well-being!